Why Did I Revert?

  Finding myself ---> A'ishah

I reverted because I believe in Islam in its message I agree with its values which many were the same I had before reverting, because I believe Allah exists and only Him created everything we see..nothing appeared by chance..everything works in perfect order it cant be chance. Subhana Allah! I reverted because for first time in my life, when I got to know about Islam, I felt like “this is where I belong, this is what I've been looking for”.

For so many years, probably my whole life, lets just talk since I'm conscious, I felt out of place, my way of thinking was too different from the rest, my way of acting was too different from the rest, I saw girls around me and I couldn't identify with any of them, what they saw like 'normal' (partying, drinking, smoking, dressing provocative and worse things) for me was something horrible and never ever took part in it. For this and because I was beyond shy (still too shy but gained confidence) they used to...treat me bad, I've been bullied for over 12 years, my whole school life and part of the high school, the last years were the worse because the verbal abuse, became physical abuse. No one, absolutely no one knew about this, nor my family or “friends” (they saw it and never helped, I never talked about it with them, I knew I didn't have any support) still nowadays very few people know what happened and my family never knew. They had never been there anyway, tried to ask for help but I wasn't heard, at home I felt like a stranger, like if I don't belong to this family, my mother never told me anything good to me, NEVER but she said many bad things to me. Bullying in school, “bullying” at home... then, “what should I do?”, “Why am I getting all this?”, “What have I done to them?”, “What's life for if I try to be good but it's not valued and besides this, they will keep living as if nothing had happened, if they won't pay for it?”, “Why am I living?”, “If I'm going to die anyway, why not now?”, “Why do I have to wait longer and being hurt even more?”, “Is it worth?” Those were my thoughts. Yes I thought in suicide, a lot of times, even planned it. I knew if I did it, no one would notice until it was too late, that alone I was.

“For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” [Quran 94:5]

"So verily, with every difficulty, there is relief" [Quran 94:6]

But I was afraid. Even if I thought about it and many times I was about to do it, I didn't really want to, I felt this is not everything we have, I mean, I believed there must be something else beside this life, something better and fair, also I believed there was a way which those bad people would be punished for everything they did and my effort for doing things right was valued, even if that meant standing alone doing them. I believed in this, I had hopes. So I was afraid, if I commit suicide, I wouldn't get to know about it, or to see the bright side.

“He knows what is in every heart” [Quran 67:13]

I never believed in God or any religion, I was a Christian because my parents were and they baptized me and made me make the communion (I rejected it many times by the way) but never believed, they neither do (or I think so). I've read the bibble (not fully but most of it) and never found sense to it, some things were ok, many others definitely not.

Years passed, I matured thanks to those things I went through, I built a barrier that kept me “safe” for a while, my way of thinking about people wasn't right, I didn't got to trust anyone too much, just let them know me a bit, never deeply, never for real, it doesn't mean I had a double face, never did, one of my values was keep true to myself, simply I never let anyone come too close, just in case.

Then I “met” a guy, (never really met, it was through the Internet only) he was a muslim and a summary about this is that, he was the first man I let in and my first love, but this is not the most important, he, as the real good muslim he was and in shaa Allah he is, used to talk to me about Islam, I used to reject it a lot due to my misconceptions about Islam but after a while I felt curiosity. He never did it directly but he led me to Islam. Started to read, to search information, to clear the main doubts, I did all this for months and in secret, no one knew, not even this guy. Why? Remember my past? My hard time trusting? That's why, I didn't want anyone to tell me their opinions, nor forcing me, I didn't want to be manipulated, I wanted to do everything by myself, to notice things by myself, to have my own opinion about the topic. I got it.

"And He found you lost and guided you." [Quran 93:7]

"Unquestionably the help of Allah is near." [Quran 2:214]

“...And Allah guides whom He wills ...” [Quran 24:46]

I didn't just clear my doubts (concerning women over all) but also found many things I didn't know about Islam, I found how similar, basically the same, my way of thinking, my values, my principles were to what Islam teaches. And back to the beginning of this writing. I found in Islam, not only a religion which tell us there is just One God (which is the logical thing) but also a way of life, a complete code of life, Islam teaches us values that should be normal among people but it's not and it just make it compulsory to follow, we, as human beings, we need to be told what to do, need some rules and discipline or we wouldn't know what to do, this life would be a chaos (just like it's in some places where this values have been lost and the abnormal became normal), Islam pretends to make things better, teach us what's good and what's not, not everyone see the difference (sad but true), Islam preaches peace, mercy, forgiveness, charity, unity, protection, happiness, love, to not judge, to not oppress.... at the same time, as Allah knows, there might be some people who try to do wrong, obviously there is a punishment, just when a child does something wrong, you have to teach him somehow that this thing is wrong and make sure he won't do it again... that's what Islam does, but in the beginning Islam encourage us to do good with good, Allah give us millions blessings every second (your heart is beating right now it keeps you alive, you can see, you can breathe, you can hear, you are healthy... if there are something missing, just think there are someone in a worst situation than yours, say Allhamdulillah) He only asks us to be grateful and worship Him alone, to be good people, to be good to His creation; others human being, animals, plants, the whole nature... How can't I love this religion when all it teaches is good? Which is what we should do.

What concerns to women, it's very simple. Islam firstly protected us and told us the keys to protect ourselves as well.

The hijab.

Because I'm a woman and I value and respect myself I do wear hijab (when I can) and cover myself, I'm not an object of exposition, I choose what you (and any other) see, thats the real freedom, I force everyone to respect me, to not treat me like an object, because I'm not, I'm a woman, with principles and values, that's what I want you to see. Value me for my way of thinking, talking and my manners and not for my physical appearance either if it's good or it's bad, I don't care, I'm Allah's creation and He doesn't make mistakes. Subhana Allah.

Our role with the men. There is an Ayah in the Quran that perfectly describe it, this is Islam, not what people might tell,

"He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest, peace of mind in them, and He put between you love and mercy" (Quran 30:21)

If you want to know Islam, take a Quran, take the Hadiths and study Islam, not the muslims, some might be a good example, some don't, after all, we are human, we sin, the difference between a good muslim and a...not too good one is that, the good muslim repent and accepts his/her mistakes and tries to learn from them. In shaa Allah.

+Two years passed since I'm a muslimah, things around me are the same, my family is the same, they didn't accept my decision and they are willing to do anything to make me leave Islam, for months I tried to talk to them and show them that Islam is not what they think it's, but living with them, argument after argument, was impossible, they controlled me so much that I didn't have any freedom, not even at home, I couldn't stay alone at home, neither in a room, when I went out I felt like they followed me somehow, they called all the time and even made me give the phone to the people I was with so they can check who I was with and what I was doing, they controlled everything I eat and when I eat it, so hard was it that my mother used to sit next to me and watch me eat until I ate everything or most of it. I couldn't live like this, I can't afford to leave home yet, because of this situation I've been suffering for a strong anxiety, I still do, had attacks because I couldn't do what I had to do and it made me really sad and worried all the time.

I'm not going to leave Islam, what I felt when I reverted was beyond description and I'm not willing to give that up, I decided to hide.

There are many things I can't do as I should do them, I try my best, I can't get books but Internet helps so much in my learning process. The important thing is not to abandon, to not feel ok by not doing the things that Allah told us to do, I keep concious that I'm not doing everything I must and it matters and I have to do it as soon as I'm able to and make up for everything that was missed. Never feel comfortable while doing wrong, repent always and think of it always.

May Allah forgive me for this and allow me to do things better. Amin.

I know I'm not alone anymore, I know what's my purpose in life now, I know where I belong and who I'm, I know where I'm going, what to do and why. There is not way I will ever renounce to this. As there is not way I will let myself to be fooled by anyone neither. In shaa Allah.

I wish I might inspire someone. I wish that those who have everything to be good muslims realize how blessed they are and make a change, they can be the change, I wish the Ummah realize that we only have to please Allah and not the people, specially when people are wrong and they have been influenced by culture. Choose Islam over culture even if you are the only one doing so. Be the change. Don't be ignorant and do things just because 'everyone is doing the same', what is wrong will always be wrong even if everyone is doing it, what is right will always be right even if you are the only one doing it.

Do you know what was the first word that Allah revealed from the Quran?

Iqra. Read. Do you understand how much it means? Just one word, do you see its importance? Look at the problems we find in the Ummah today, 99% of them are due to ignorance, how do we cure ignorance? READING. We have never learnt enough.

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  "Seeking knowledge is a duty on every Muslim." (Bukhari)

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  "...Say: Are those equal, those who know and those who do not know?' It is those who are endued with understanding that receive admonition." (Qur'an 39: 9) 
  
  

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  Safwaan Ibn 'Assal Al-Muradi came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) in the mosque and said, "O' Messenger of Allah, I have come seeking knowledge." The Prophet (peace be upon him) told him:
  
  "Welcome, O seeker of knowledge! Truly the angels surround the seeker of knowledge with their wings, gathering around him in ranks one above the other, until they reach the first heaven, out of love for that which he seeks."
  
  

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  Imam Ibn Abdul-Barr reported that Ibn Abi Ghassan said: "So long as you are seeking knowledge you are knowledgeable, but as soon as you abandon this pursuit you become ignorant."

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  Imam Malik said: "No one who has knowledge should stop seeking knowledge."

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  Imam Abdullah Bin Al-Mubarak was asked: "How long will you seek knowledge?" He said, "Until I die, for probably I have not yet learnt the things that will benefit me most."
  
  

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  Imam Abu 'Amr Bin Al-'Ala' was asked: "For how long does it befit a man to seek knowledge?" He said, "For as long as he has life in him."
  
  

O you who have believed, whoever of you should revert from his religion - Allah will bring forth [in place of them] a people He will love and who will love Him [who are] humble toward the believers, powerful against the disbelievers; they strive in the cause of Allah and do not fear the blame of a critic. That is the favor of Allah ; He bestows it upon whom He wills. And Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing. [Quran 5:54]Source

Aisha Aish✿